It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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