my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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