So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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