Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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