Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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