she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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