I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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