i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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