I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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