so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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