Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
