You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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