Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
