Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
