the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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