I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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