i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
