The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
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My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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