i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
