My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
