ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize