Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
its liver damage thursday
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
