Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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