you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
