just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Couch. On fire.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
