i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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