i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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