I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
FUCK WHALES
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
