i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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