Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Is it penis luge time yet?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
