What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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