So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
