Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
