if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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