haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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