And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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