This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
