at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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