pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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