Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
