Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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