I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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