its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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