So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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