Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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