the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
