I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
