def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
you are never too drunk for berry picking
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
