I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
