you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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