I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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