Please, let me fuck your mom
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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