So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
