evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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