I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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