she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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