I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
