Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
